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Hello People Who Read This,
Today I would like to talk to you about ooooOOOOoooooodglings.
OoooOOOOoooooodglings are small tusked creatures that have fluffy ears and degrees in midwifery. You would normally find them burrowing in piles of mashed potato, unless it's Sunday, in which case they attend church and make a general nuisance of themselves. If you are down in the woooooooooooooooods, you may see a group of them practising aerobics. This is generally not the case, however, because ooooOOOOoooooodglings have never been known to practise aerobics.
If an ooooOOOOoooooodgling gives you it's business card, you can be sure to have hit the nail on the head. This is because ooooOOOOoooooodglings only give their business cards to carpenters. As any carpenter would tell you, ooooOOOOoooooodglings provide excellent services. In fact, a recent survey carried out by the Bandits of Western Woohoo has shown that ooooOOOOoooooodglings are responsible for 89% of the work a carpenter takes the credit for.
OoooOOOOoooooodglings are traditionally used in Scandinavia as hair dryers. The Vikings introduced them to Britain between 700 and 1100 AD, and since then, they have been largely ignored.
OoooOOOOoooooodglings are known in Jamaica for taking snap-shots of tourists' nostril hairs. Tourists who go to Jamaica are not warned of this, and so it is often extremely shocking for them when large groups of ooooOOOOoooooodglings suddenly appear with cameras. This is a huge problem for Jamaica's economy, because most of its income is through tourism, and ooooOOOOoooooodglings scare almost all tourists away. To deal with this issue, several people got together and played marbles underneath a maple tree in Canada, and haven't been seen since.
What to do if you meet an ooooOOOOoooooodgling in a public lavatory:
1. Pretend not to notice it and move slowly to the exit
2. Make existential remarks about totalitarian governments
3. Apply non-hesitantly for a cheerleading course
4. Jigger violently and explode in the most dramatic way possible.
This should prevent the worst from happening.
A final note: if you find that you've accidentally sat on an ooooOOOOoooooodgling, do not panic. This is a mating ritual that ooooOOOOoooooodglings carry out, and the next few months should be some of the most interesting you'll ever have.
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